What is the difference between Desire and Guilt? Which drives you?

I had kind of an epiphany today as to why I am feeling more optimistic this time around and why suddenly the light went on again and I am determined to succeed right now.  It's the difference between desire and guilt.  Up to a few weeks ago I was driven by guilt to succeed.  I kept telling myself I have to do this because I SHOULD do it.  I HAVE to lose weight because I that's is what is expected of me.  I did it before, I SHOULD be able to do it again.   I sat there feeling guilty about all the things I SHOULD be doing and wasn't doing.  Feeling like I was letting my team down and letting my family down.  Beating myself up... Should HAVE, WOULD HAVE, COULD HAVE = GUILT GUILT GUILT!

well... that's changed.  I don't know why.  Something just clicked again.  It's about WANTING to do this again. The DESIRE to do it is back.  I want this because I want to feel good about myself again.  I have the desire to better myself for ME... not because i feel like it's something I am supposed to do.  I WANT to do it.  I am excited again.  I am involved again. I am realizing this IS a part of my life and I haven't left it behind like I thought I did.  I just needed to be ready to start again. 

Spark had a very timely email yesterday that really struck a chord with me and it was about not giving up.  It had a chinese proverb attached to it and THAT is exactly what has been stuck in my head for several months... hell the last year. It went something like this, " Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still."   When I first read that quote It hit me that I was afraid I HAD quit and  I was definitely afraid I was standing still. 

I read it a few more times and it really stuck with me all day...  Then last night it dawned on me that I forgot that it was okay to go slowly.  It was okay not to be ashamed of what I viewed as a failure (gaining 85lbs). It was okay that I wasn't ready to do this just yet...  IT'S OKAY!!!  For some reason that turned the guilt into desire.  It lifted so many bad and anxious feelings I had been having.   I remember now... It is only a failure if I quit... and that.... I DEFINITELY have not done.

Have a good day monkeys!  :)

Omg traffic sucks and I'm hungry. On my way to happy hour and praying I don't pig out! Got a plan though ....1 odouls, grilled chicken and steamed broccoli! 

I'm eatin' trees!

 Okay so yesterday ended well with 1088 calories and today was good too.  1267!  Woot! Of course I am eatin' trees!  Ok, ok, maybe I am not eating trees but I am pretty sure if I were to eat a tree it would probably taste pretty similar. Today has been hard and I am remembering WHY this was so hardthe first time around.  Emotional eating .  My stress level is WAY up  today and I think it's from not being able to eat what and how I want to. I also rediscovered my old nemesis... sleep deprivation.  It affects EVERTHING I do.  Work, home, stress, nutrition, exercise... UGH!  Anyway... I am gonna finish my trees and leave... heh heh.  More later... check out my food log for today here. http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/nutrition.asp

Omg.... Getting up this early to work out is like getting bubblegum out of a toddlers hair? Seriously...ugh

So... you want to know what a space monkey is????

Well... as you might have guessed I am a BIG Fight Club Fan.  :)  My all time favorite site on the web is http://www.sparkpeople.com/   Mr. Durden runs Project Mayhem with his space monkeys...What a better way to combine the two than create my own team on my all time favorite site. The name of the team is Project Mayhem and I am captain of the team... therefore... CPT. SPACEMONKEY!  Read the book or watch the film... there is all kinds of twisted logic in it!  (really!)

 I am passionate about fitness and weight loss and I have found that being an inspiration to others helps fuel my own goals as well.  I am not perfect in this journey... no one is, however it is my goal to show you through my own experiences that there is a way out.  There is hope.  I started this journey 2 years ago weighing in at an all time high of 320lbs.  Through the help of two very caring men, and the help of Spark People I lost 165 lbs.  I did it without pills, without fad diets, and I did it without feeling deprived.  At my peak I could deadlift, I could do an acre of walking lunges with a 50 lbs weight on my back.  I worked out 90 minutes a day 6 days a week.  Then.... the unthinkable happened.

 I was 20 lbs within my goal weight when I had to have hip replacement surgery.   It TOTALLY derailed me.  It made me forget everything I had learned.  I gained back 85 lbs of what I had worked so hard to get off.  It got the best of me.  BUT...  because of what I have learned previously, I know I can get back there.   I know I can do this again on my own.  I know I can do this again one small step at a time.  So... hopefully you will join me as I take this challenge on again, one day at a time and share in my victories and in my disappointments.   Visit my spark page and you can get the whole story.  For now, for me this is a jumping off point.  I am jumping off the ledge and into the deep end of the pool again hoping I won't drown. 
Some of what I hope to accomplish here is accountability.  Much past that I am not sure where this will take me but going into the unknown is better than sitting on my ever enlarging ass!  :)  I will post more tomorrow about some of my thoughts and realizations this weekend ( planning, sleep, starting over, etc.) but I am done for tonight.  My one goal was to get this dang thing up and started... so there!