It's been a while...

Been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff so its' been a while... but I am back... gonna try something new and see how it works... a photo food journal.  We will see...  I have lots of fun new stuff to share with you so look for some fun to come!

Emotional Eating Exercise...

Emotional eating for me brings up so many... well... emotions. LOL It makes me embarrassed that I can’t control what I eat. Let me rephrase that... It makes me embarrassed that I CHOOSE not to control what I eat. There is anger, guilt, resentment, embarrassment, and shame all associated with that decision. All these emotions do is hold me hostage. They prevent me from going forward. So how do we change this?

First, we need to take responsibility for our own actions and start using “I” in our thinking instead of things like, the gym is to far away so working out is difficult, or stress from work and home makes it impossible to eat right, or my personal excuse right now .... Exercising would be easier for me if I had someone to work out with on a regular basis. The article states that This is “victim” thinking.

(Check out the full article here: www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_arti
cles.asp?id=690&page=2 )

Thinking like a victim denies us the ability to take self-responsibility for our actions. If you change that thinking to something like this, “ I don’t eat right because I don’t make planning ahead a priority before I go grocery shopping” It makes the problem clearer and makes finding a solution to it easier to see. It brings real problem solving skills to the table for the first time for many of us. It brings into focus that only YOU can solve the problem.

This won’t happen overnight and it will take some practice... but try this little tool to help make it a little easier for you.

Try journaling the next time you have an issue with your weight loss journey.

Pick any issue you are having problems with.
write freely about it and try to define the problem. JUST WRITE. DON’T WORRY ABOUT SOLVING THE PROBLEM HERE.
Then, take a few minutes and go back to it and re-read it...
Are you in charge or is it in charge of you? Are you the victim?
Then go back and change passive verbs to active verbs - ex. Change, “ eating right is difficult because home and work issues get in the way,” to “I don’t plan ahead when grocery shopping so I don’t make wise food decisions later”
NOW... go back and find solutions to the problem. Now that the problem is defined you can solve it... “What can I do to plan ahead?”

If you do this whenever you are having a problem It won’t take you long to change your pattern of thinking and do it automatically.

Putting the "I" back in weIght loss?

The last two weeks have been tough for me food wise... well exercise wise also. I know part of it is that I am letting stress rule my behaviours and actions rather than my level "know better" head. I am a HUGE emotional eater. I knew this before I started this journey but I don't really think I knew just how bad I was until I started gaining this weight back again.

There is a really good challenge that popped up a couple of days ago(on spark)... It's called the mind over body challenge- So... I am going to give it a whirl. It's starts out talking about the difference between diet and lifestyle change...


DIET

*The goal is self-limiting.When you get to your goal weight, you stop the diet.

* It's a surface change. It involves simple changes in behaviors you are already doing (or not doing). You take in fewer calories from food and (maybe) expend more calories on activity. Foods are "good" or "bad" based on calorie content.

* Progress and success are measured by the scale.
Anything that results in weight loss is considered acceptable, even if it poses potential problems or risks. Failure to lose weight as fast as desired is very upsetting, and the process feels like a constant battle. High stress is constant.

*Results don't last.Even if you manage to stick with all the unpleasantness of a diet long enough to reach your weight goal, your odds of keeping it off permanently are less than one in twenty.

LIFESTYLE CHANGE

*The goal is open-ended.Weight management becomes part of your daily life, with strategies that vary as circumstances, priorities, and needs change.
*Lifestyle changes are made on many levels. In addition to healthy changes in your relationship with food and exercise, you will challenge the basic attitudes, beliefs, thoughts and feelings that made you overweight (and unhappy) to begin with.

*Progress and success are measured in terms of satisfaction & quality of life.
Weight loss and maintenance continue to be important, but are put in perspective as one way you can move towards larger, more rewarding goals. Daily ups and downs become much less stressful.

*Results are lasting.Your lifestyle change is an open-ended, ongoing process with goals that continue to expand and grow. There is no reason to go back to the habits that got you overweight in the first place.

I was in a position of lifestyle change but I am back in diet mode right now.
I am not making changes because I want a healthier lasting lifestyle. I am making changes because I want to lose weight. THAT IS THE WRONG ATTITUDE!!!!

Sure weightloss is the end goal but it's not the means to an end. Does that make sense? If I want the happy ending I have to have the attitude to support the change. If I only focus on what the end is and not how I am going to get there... I LOSE. I cheat myself out of a lasting healthy relationship about food and nutrition and only continue to fuel the cycle of failure.


Here is the link in case you missed it earlier this week.

 www.sparkpeople.com/resource/wellness_articles.asp?id=690&page=4

Reading this information made me realize a few things...

Only "I" can make these changes happen. Only "I" have the power to make it happen. Only "I:" have the opportunity to turn failure into success again.

That is both and incredible thought... and a scary thought at the same time. It's time to start putting the "I" back into weight loss and make this happen again!

Scotch plus dieting = BAD decisions!

Okay.... so I planned my day yesterday really well. I ate decent. I pre planned my meal for going out. I did everything I thought was possible to have a good day eating AND enjoy my favorite beverage... just one small thing wrong with that equation...

SCOTCH AND DIETING DON'T MIX! WHY, YOU ASK? Because suddenly the scotch kicks in, your inhibitions go down, and geeeeee is it any surprise that your willpower goes right the hell out the door!

Suddenly after the scotch... my brain thought it was hungry again and that Mcdonalds double cheese burger sounded REALLY good... and an apple pie... and oh yea the blueberry muffins that were supposed to be for the kids.

In the span of a 20 minute ride home I managed to inflate my caloric intake from 1284 that I planned.... to 2519!

(this is where I look ashamed and sulk away) Good grief... Well tomorrow is another day... and another chance to make the right choices...

Lesson learned!

Ya know what pisses me off?????

Large Women's Clothing!   Seriously... I mean come on people.  It's bad enough when you are fat that you have to go through the torture of buying clothes to begin with,  but you have to put up with what a skinny societies idea is of what fat women should be wearing is, also! It's just not fair. I am fat!  It's a fact! BUT JUST BECAUSE I AM FAT DOES NOT MEAN I WANT TO WEAR A FREAKING MOO MOO!!!!!! 

It is obvious that it is a skinny person designing these clothes.  There is no way a larger women would EVER design these things.  I have several gripes with these fashion designers.  Almost everything I looked at this weekend was muted, matronly, and blah...  It's like large women's clothing is designed to be the least obtrusive, most boring, and unnoticeable stuff out there.  The colors are blah, the shape is non existent and almost everything is designed to hide behind.  Some of the things I looked at looked like stuff my grandmother used to wear!

It was like putting on a fancy gunny sack used to store potatos in. Just because I am fat does not mean I want to cover up every inch of my body in foul fitting, over sized clothing.  I am proud of who I am.  I may not be perfect but I have no desire to hide every square inch of my body no matter how bad you skinny bitches don't want to look at my fat. Now that being said... that does not mean I want to end up on People of Walmart in all my glory with my ass cheeks hanging out for you to sneak a phone pic of and submit! 

Speaking of too much skin...The other thing I have noticed about plus size clothing is that ALL the necklines are PLUNGING!  Because I am fat... I have large breasts... Most of us do.  Just because we have big boobs does not mean that we want to show them off!  I think that this is another of one of those camouflage ideas that these dumb ass designers have.  Do they seriously think that if we show off our breasts that no one else will notice the fat?????  Hmmmmmmmmm

I don't want to cover up and hide... I don't want to bare it all either... what I want  are clothes that are well designed to fit a large woman's figure.  I want clothes that are tailored  to my curves and accentuate my positive features with out being buried in a skein of fabric or making a statement by baring it all.  I want clothes that are colorful, pretty, stylish, and designed by someone who knows what it means to be a full figured woman that loves herself... and her body. 

SOoooooooooooooo tired.... but made it one more day

Today was a rough day.  Too much stress at work and at home... not enough time in the day to do either.  Mix that in with family obligations and home obligations and that makes for a very tired grumpy gal and not much time for yourself left over.  It's so hard to be of support to other people when you feel like there just isn't much left in you to give sometimes.  BUT... i guess if you focus on what you DON'T have it's going to drive you crazy instead of focusing on what you do have.

SO... things I am proud of today...  

I kept calories to 1100 today despite the stress.
I worked out despite the fact that the Pain Master bailed on me.  (PM is my trainer btw)
I could pull my jeans down over my hips w/o unzipping them.
I lost 10 lbs in 2 weeks.
I have the support of my friends and family!

pretty good all in all.
Night monkeys!

It's that hour again ... Going to see the painmaster. Ugh

What is the difference between Desire and Guilt? Which drives you?

I had kind of an epiphany today as to why I am feeling more optimistic this time around and why suddenly the light went on again and I am determined to succeed right now.  It's the difference between desire and guilt.  Up to a few weeks ago I was driven by guilt to succeed.  I kept telling myself I have to do this because I SHOULD do it.  I HAVE to lose weight because I that's is what is expected of me.  I did it before, I SHOULD be able to do it again.   I sat there feeling guilty about all the things I SHOULD be doing and wasn't doing.  Feeling like I was letting my team down and letting my family down.  Beating myself up... Should HAVE, WOULD HAVE, COULD HAVE = GUILT GUILT GUILT!

well... that's changed.  I don't know why.  Something just clicked again.  It's about WANTING to do this again. The DESIRE to do it is back.  I want this because I want to feel good about myself again.  I have the desire to better myself for ME... not because i feel like it's something I am supposed to do.  I WANT to do it.  I am excited again.  I am involved again. I am realizing this IS a part of my life and I haven't left it behind like I thought I did.  I just needed to be ready to start again. 

Spark had a very timely email yesterday that really struck a chord with me and it was about not giving up.  It had a chinese proverb attached to it and THAT is exactly what has been stuck in my head for several months... hell the last year. It went something like this, " Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still."   When I first read that quote It hit me that I was afraid I HAD quit and  I was definitely afraid I was standing still. 

I read it a few more times and it really stuck with me all day...  Then last night it dawned on me that I forgot that it was okay to go slowly.  It was okay not to be ashamed of what I viewed as a failure (gaining 85lbs). It was okay that I wasn't ready to do this just yet...  IT'S OKAY!!!  For some reason that turned the guilt into desire.  It lifted so many bad and anxious feelings I had been having.   I remember now... It is only a failure if I quit... and that.... I DEFINITELY have not done.

Have a good day monkeys!  :)

Omg traffic sucks and I'm hungry. On my way to happy hour and praying I don't pig out! Got a plan though ....1 odouls, grilled chicken and steamed broccoli! 

I'm eatin' trees!

 Okay so yesterday ended well with 1088 calories and today was good too.  1267!  Woot! Of course I am eatin' trees!  Ok, ok, maybe I am not eating trees but I am pretty sure if I were to eat a tree it would probably taste pretty similar. Today has been hard and I am remembering WHY this was so hardthe first time around.  Emotional eating .  My stress level is WAY up  today and I think it's from not being able to eat what and how I want to. I also rediscovered my old nemesis... sleep deprivation.  It affects EVERTHING I do.  Work, home, stress, nutrition, exercise... UGH!  Anyway... I am gonna finish my trees and leave... heh heh.  More later... check out my food log for today here. http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/nutrition.asp

Omg.... Getting up this early to work out is like getting bubblegum out of a toddlers hair? Seriously...ugh

So... you want to know what a space monkey is????

Well... as you might have guessed I am a BIG Fight Club Fan.  :)  My all time favorite site on the web is http://www.sparkpeople.com/   Mr. Durden runs Project Mayhem with his space monkeys...What a better way to combine the two than create my own team on my all time favorite site. The name of the team is Project Mayhem and I am captain of the team... therefore... CPT. SPACEMONKEY!  Read the book or watch the film... there is all kinds of twisted logic in it!  (really!)

 I am passionate about fitness and weight loss and I have found that being an inspiration to others helps fuel my own goals as well.  I am not perfect in this journey... no one is, however it is my goal to show you through my own experiences that there is a way out.  There is hope.  I started this journey 2 years ago weighing in at an all time high of 320lbs.  Through the help of two very caring men, and the help of Spark People I lost 165 lbs.  I did it without pills, without fad diets, and I did it without feeling deprived.  At my peak I could deadlift, I could do an acre of walking lunges with a 50 lbs weight on my back.  I worked out 90 minutes a day 6 days a week.  Then.... the unthinkable happened.

 I was 20 lbs within my goal weight when I had to have hip replacement surgery.   It TOTALLY derailed me.  It made me forget everything I had learned.  I gained back 85 lbs of what I had worked so hard to get off.  It got the best of me.  BUT...  because of what I have learned previously, I know I can get back there.   I know I can do this again on my own.  I know I can do this again one small step at a time.  So... hopefully you will join me as I take this challenge on again, one day at a time and share in my victories and in my disappointments.   Visit my spark page and you can get the whole story.  For now, for me this is a jumping off point.  I am jumping off the ledge and into the deep end of the pool again hoping I won't drown. 
Some of what I hope to accomplish here is accountability.  Much past that I am not sure where this will take me but going into the unknown is better than sitting on my ever enlarging ass!  :)  I will post more tomorrow about some of my thoughts and realizations this weekend ( planning, sleep, starting over, etc.) but I am done for tonight.  My one goal was to get this dang thing up and started... so there!